Empty

I'm anxious.

I don't know why. I'm awake at night, thinking about my ex. I'm stuck here - I've never been stuck like this before.

She's moved on, and there's never any going back; but I can't seem to close this chapter of my life for good.

I'm generally depressed. Work is stressful, differently so than usual, because I'm stuck in a position where I can't do anything productive.

Everyone is pointing out to me that I seem down. It is not that I'm never happy, but there are long stretches of glum.

I keep dwelling on the past; happy times I had with her. I've been apart for almost a year now. I keep thinking about what I used to be like, why we separated, and the things I've changed.

For instance, I really enjoy my computer, and pornography - or did. It was a horrible rut I was in; and always a point of contention. That's something I've changed a lot of: both are much more in moderation.

I'm fit for the first time in a long time with my cycling. I go out socially and enjoy doing the things I want to do - at least somewhat. I want to go out clubbing more, but don't have that set of friends.

Sometimes I know I'm seeking approval with these changes. Other times it feels a little bit as though I'm doing this for me. Mostly though, its the approval.

I have little to no interest in meeting other people. I've tried, and where every other time I've been in this situation, someone has come along and I've been able to move on; it's different now.

I don't care enough to get to know someone. This makes me cold, distant, bitter.

Last night, I went out for St Patricks Day. Lisa from work starts talking to me about all of this; specifically Chloe; and I have to ask her to stop - I feel as though I'm just going to sit down and cry.

I can't comfortably talk to anyone else about Chloe. I've just shut up and dealt with it. Paulie is probably the closest I've got. My old man is surprisingly filling that gap too - I would never have picked that.
Worse, the only person I could talk to this kind of stuff about was her; and now that she's made the first steps to moving on, that avenue is completely closed to me.

I've never felt I needed it before. I don't know why I need it now. Perhaps because I've been angry before, and I know how to cope with anger. Now I'm just empty. I'm not afraid - fear I can cope with too.

I'm just hollow.